Rhetorical questions round a rectangular dining table

Vol.6 Why can’t I have a leap year this month? And why are we allowing the lunatics to dim the sun?

Well done everyone and hearty congratulations for reaching the next level in our computer simulation and what we commonly and collectively refer to as “February”. Alas, there is a stumbling block in our renewed vigour for a return to an old normal rather the new one being imposed on us and that’s obviously the omission of an extra day in this exciting month ahead. Nothing fills my heart with jumping joy more than a leap year. That extra day! That magical theatre of simply summoning an entire extra day from the mystery of the universe every four years just makes my heart sing. We just sit back in the knowledge that every four years we’re simply gifted an extra 24 hours in which to freely swim in the oceans of our existence and quite frankly I heartily endorse such witchcraft. We should have more of this wizardry in fact, much more, and in an ideal world we’d form a committee and agree on a random amount of days and nights we’d like to create for the coming year. 87 perhaps? Three score and ten and maybe an additional day just for good luck! How about minus days? How about the Pope having a word with the guy upstairs and resetting the year to zero? Or maybe just deleting 10 or 11 days, you know, like a previous Pope did?

When Pope Gregory mooted his papal bull in the 16th Century, presumably after lengthy discussions with the timekeepers of The Matrix as well as the Big Chief in the Sky, it was decided that several days would simply disappear in the year of 1582 and magically return the following year. They were obviously present and correct in the previous year also but in this particular year of 1582 they were erased from ever being in existence. And now we have leap years because, well, why not? It’s exciting! Get with the program! We can play make believe once every four years for a date, a time, a dimension or indeed an existence that doesn’t ordinarily exist and when it does, it’s via the medium of witchcraft. Now I liberally endorse such an idea and quite frankly in our post truth world I would like to see more magical creations and I’m ready to form that committee and supply the biscuits as and when everyone else is ready. OK? If we can simply delete days hundreds of years ago, why not now?

We’re supposed to keep on evolving, right?

So we can’t have an extra day in February for another two years but that’s ok as following the tremendous success of January I have a rather good feeling that this is finally a return to normality. The previous 31 days of this spectacular year has been a run away success hasn’t it? Cakes and clandestine parties dominate the UK political skyline as a Prime Minster invokes the ghost of an establishment paedophile in the Mother of All Parliaments and to the mother of all rows. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth has followed but the badly dressed wraith will survive as within 24 hours he’s off in search of the next war, and the next distraction from his dystopian destruction of a tiny island adrift in what Carl Sagan called the “Pale Blue Dot”. There is zero political opposition here in the UK and in fact any opposing view is simply a scream for even more draconian powers as the supposed political ethos of liberalism and people power has been replaced by these same (supposed) liberals screaming for censorship and modern day book burnings. Political figures of all persuasions and rosette colours are isolating with a virus they’ve been triple medicated against contracting and whilst they all hide from their own national people they all repeat the medical mantra of the importance of taking the medicine that hasn’t helped them at all. But why should such trivial and ridiculous banalities concern us? Apparently you’re a racist if you support the Canadian truckers, I don’t know where to start with the madness descending upon my Australian and American cousins and pretty soon everyone will be labelled unpatriotic if we don’t support the impending nuclear conflagration with Russia.

So I’m sure you’ll all agree that we’ve bounded headlong into a fantastic looking future here in 2022? We’re on the brink of a possible nuclear war being led by a man who can’t tell the truth about a fucking party and some cream cakes! The war hawking rhetoric is straight from the school playground and appropriate as our esteemed “Leaders” act like entitled, surly (and dangerously unhappy) children needing a distraction from the window they’ve broken with their wayward stones. Vote all you wish but the system needs dismantling, not encouraging, as these children simply buy more stones from their friends in the military industrial complex and go looking for more windows to smash. The liars will then send your family into another “theatre of war” and those same liars are then cheered to the rafters and a calendar that is so arbitrarily created is now pockmarked with anniversary dates of invasions, battles, proxy wars and the hushed deaths of returning human beings that are quickly reduced to calendar dates themselves. But who cares? There’s money to be made, contracts to be fulfilled and distractions aplenty are required, so why not some explosive fireworks for the masses? We can collectively change these blood-soaked calendar days from ever coming into being, but is there a collective will to do so?

And can we all do this is as quickly as possible please? Otherwise, the crazies are going to dim the sun (DIM THE SUN!) and then where will we be?

Where once this was just a hushed piece of absurd conspiratorial thinking, the dimming of the sun has now broken through into the mainstream and for that we must be thankful. Why? Well it simply demonstrates the utter lunacy of an upside down world that throws cake in your face whilst coldly confirming that war is inevitable and taxes must be raised as the people entrusted with our collective welfare and the “Pale Blue Dot” have, well, “lost” or “can’t account” for the Billions of Pounds that have been written off as a cost of fighting an invisible enemy. Now the enemy is front and centre (apparently) and the need for more money to be wasted on more bloodthirsty wars is urgently required. So why not hurl hundreds of thousands of megatons of dirt, soil and sand at the sun to dim it? It makes as much sense as inventing or deleting days of the calendar or starting a war with a nuclear armed power. How about we also send a missile to blow apart the moon? Then the tides will stay stagnant and there won’t be a threat to rising tides or the erosion of the natural world around our coastlines. We demonise the “Gas of Life” so why not dim the effect of the sun too? Why not just go the whole hog and press that much vaunted nuclear red button and scatter a nuclear winter around the known world? At least we wouldn’t be able to see the sun or the moon any more.

Or maybe take a leaf out of Gregory’s book and delete some days, years maybe, and decide on an arbitrary year and just call it? We can forget about the intense political dramas of the day surrounding cakes, cast aside thoughts of war and liberal thinkers believing it a fine and dandy idea to censor everyone they don’t agree with. No more lunatic proposals to dim a desperately needed life and light source and more magical thinking around leap years. If the components of a calendar can be deleted, amended or wished into collective existence, shall we do it?

The first meeting will be held on a beach at sunset and we can skip stones into the water, laugh merrily and consume as many biscuits as we wish. For the sun will set before rising again on a brand new day and we can’t let these lunatics dim both our coming days and the sun can we?

Can we?

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