Fish Out of Water? My Life as a Grad Student

I began my undergrad in 2012 studying Criminal Justice online through South University. I loved taking online classes because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle conventional on-campus classes with a full-time job and four kids. I did very well in these classes and consecutively made the Dean’s List every semester. After a few years, three to be exact, my husband and I decided that I should apply at Purdue Calumet. It took only a couple of weeks for my acceptance and my on-campus academic career at Purdue began.

During the next two years I continued deeper into my undergrad coursework, taking at least four classes a semester. I began this journey believing that I would go to school to learn the information necessary for a successful career and that is exactly what I was getting during my time as an undergrad: information. One class stood out from the pack though: Intro to Literature. I was really enjoying the new approach to reading and writing that this course required! My professor also took notice to my interpretation of the texts and my writing to the point that she emailed to set up a meeting. In her office, she disclosed her interest in my work and asked me a lot of questions about my writing and understanding of literature. After a few minutes of talking, she brought her main point to the discussion: graduate school. She felt that I had a strong future in writing and that I would be wasting myself if I didn’t pursue a minor in English for my BA and I should apply to Graduate school at PNW after I graduated. Well, I only had one more semester before graduating but she insisted that I have a strong future in English and that I should pursue a MA in English. I kept this information in the back of my mind for the rest of the semester and eventually set up a meeting with the academic counselor for the English Department who told me the guidelines for applying and what would be expected of me if I was accepted into the program. I went out on a limb and completed the process of applying for grad school only a couple of days after the meeting and began the waiting game.

As I was awaiting my letter from the Graduate Studies department, I was also preparing for my graduation in May. So my thoughts ranged from, “Yea! I’m graduating! That Bachelor’s degree is MINE” to “They are taking forever with letting me know if I have made it. Why did I apply? I know that I didn’t make it. I’m not good enough.” Then, shortly after my graduation, I received my letter…I was welcomed with open arms into the Graduate Program at Purdue University! Not too shabby for someone with an undergrad in an entirely different field. But, now I have to show them that I am worthy of their acceptance and prove myself to those who recommended me for the program. (Gulp!)

My first day of class I was petrified as I walked up to the room that housed the first of my graduate classes. I was no longer going to be attending classes where I could sit in the back listening and working by myself; I was now expected to be one of the voices in those academic conversations that I had studied for so long. Walking into the field of Graduate level English academia with a BA in Sociology put me behind the pack when it came to academically discussing English, but I had at least three professors that believed in me enough to recommend me for the program so I had at least a little bit of confidence coming into the classroom.

I walked up to a couple of students who were already waiting outside but I didn’t have the courage to even say “Hi”. When the professor came and let us into the room I felt like a fish out of water, especially after I found out that the rest of my classmates’ undergrad studies were in English with one of them being an English teacher already! Talk about some intimidation! I don’t think that I spoke more than a couple of sentences during that first day, but it did get easier. Every time that we met for class I found it easier and easier to talk and express my understanding of the material. By the end of the semester I had become friends with my classmates and we discovered that we were all scared of the huge journey that we were embarking on but we now know that we are not alone.

Onto the Big Leagues: My First Fall Semester of Grad School

(Gulp again…)

Feeling like a fish out of water once again, I walked into my next graduate level class and I wanted to go to a corner to hide and work by myself. I rationalized that if I was working by myself at least it would only be me that knew that I didn’t belong. Yep, that did not last long at all. My professor, ahem, Doctor, advised us to sit in a circle so we could converse better. I knew that she was right but I still wanted to curl up in the corner and just listen to everybody. She was “forcing” us to use our voices and communicate with one another. That first day I think the only thing that I said was my required introduction, but I found myself wanting to say more. Weird.

As the weeks flew by I began to build more and more confidence in my classes. Not because I was fully comprehending the material, but because the other students were finally opening up about their insecurities about the courses as well. Cue Michael Jackson’s “You are Not Alone!” There is nothing like working up the confidence to talk to another “Master’s” student and being pleasantly surprised that they are having similar issues! The material covered in the courses was the hardest material that I was ever required to do, but I was staying afloat. I was playing on the same field as these individuals who have been in the field for much longer than I have and I was keeping up! I would submit a piece of my writing to be scrutinized I waited for the inevitable outcome of my professor cracking up laughing asking where in the world did I get the idea that I would be good enough to stay in the grad program, but it never came. Each submission had comments on how to improve, which I did immediately, but there was no laughing or ridiculing. I had psyched myself up for nothing and I was introduced to some pretty interesting authors such as Jane Austen and James Joyce as well a very interesting view into the history of the Faustian legend complements of a very stubborn professor. There are so many different directions to focus my new found confidence in English! Cool beans!

With the end of this semester looming I am working on my final projects for my courses, but I am not scared. I am awaiting the criticism of my work so that I can grow as a reader, writer, and student since I am actually inspired with a completely new outlook on writing and reading. One of my final papers covers a text that when I was first exposed to it made me cringe with intimidation but something just clicked when I was working on a previous assignment on the text so strongly that I expanded it for my final project. Have I crossed over to the dark side of over-analyzing text? It appears so, but there are advantages to this newfound skill: I look at things differently now. It is now ingrained in my brain that when I read or write something that I automatically see the hidden visions.

Now that this semester is coming to an end and the sense of complete panic has waned to something more tolerable, I can look back at the past few months and reflect. I still feel like I am playing catch up with my classmates but now I know that they feel the same pressure and insecurities as I do. This slight leveling of the playing field makes me feel slightly more at ease. I survived my first semester in grad school, now time to continue on my journey after catching up on my lost sleep of this semester.

To Be Continued…

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