Creating Your Best Future Without Defining It By Your Past

nos·tal·gia

/näˈstaljə,nəˈstaljə/

noun

a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.

//<play>disparate youth by santigold//

Nostalgia is a curious pair of glasses. It often over estimates our previous opportunities, our previous sense of happiness and our prior sense of self awareness. When in times of existential angst, it appears like a familiar fairy tale you once read but never finished. It leaves you with a faint smile and thoughts of, “If only I hadn’t…” or “Why didn’t I…”

But if nostalgia is a pair of glasses, it’s important to realize that it is only the frame at best. It is not an accurate lens. Many people often conflate the two and spiral into depression over all of the success they haven’t achieved or the chances that have passed them by. The past is never a great destination to live in, it can however, be a useful running block.

//<play> seer by holy fawn//

When I was in my early twenties, I had a friend who was a musician that I mercilessly crushed on. He was in one of my favorite bands. We lived two hours away from each other. He had a long term girlfriend. Each time we hung out after his shows or if I interviewed his band, we had a sweet, John Hughes type of experience. Awkward pauses. Blushes. Inside jokes. Tentative hugs. Very wholesome content.

The halo effect of each of these experiences covered me like a veil. I would float. I would fuel myself from the nostalgia of every hang out, email or phone call despite the fact that we never made an overt advances to one another. I lived in the “what ifs”. My future was constantly being tied from the ribbons of our past. Each moment adding another line to our maypole.

And then a curious thing happened…

We lost touch for a few months. He went out of state. He returned and told me he was now single. I tried to handle the news casually while my heart swelled in size. However, the conversation took a turn when he nonchalantly told me that he was excited about an upcoming date he had. Um. Excuse me?

My world was shaken.

You see, I had always thought — always — that if things changed with her, that surely I would be his first call. I had evidence! So many of our moments strung together like a lifeline. But the truth is, I was living in the past and he was living in the future… and time was now different.

Ultimately, the other girl fizzled out and he and I did have our moment (or a few). It was a very John Hughes story involving Halloween costumes, parking lots and always too much Irish whiskey. Eventually, we faded and moved on. We lost touch of each other for years.

Eons later, after a divorce, he reached out to me from his nostalgia phone booth. He wanted to know how I was doing in the not-so-subtle way that all newly-divorced men do. Yet, the tables had now turned and I had moved on. Call it star crossed or call it sweet. Perhaps it would be best to call it two people who constantly lived out of the past which made it impossible for them to arrive at a future.

//<play>yesterday’s fire by moonface (with siinai) //

So, what’s the point of the story?

The point is that we can never find ourself and our future in our past. The past can be our fuel but it is not the engine to drive us forward. Momentum requires vision. Too many of us keep ourselves back by defining ourselves by the limits of our past instead of the opportunities of our future. Remember this: You are only defined by the limitations that you believe you have. Your future depends on you moving past them.

If you’re living in depression over what has passed you by, it’s time to change your operating system. The future requires hope and vision. Use elements of your past as signals to help you design the best life but make sure it’s not the house you dwell in. “I always did love painting…” so take a painting course. “I always wanted to finish that degree in geophysics” so… go do it, don’t sit around lamenting that you never finished. You are as stuck as you allow yourself to be.

By the age of 22, I was convinced that I was too late for everything. Everything, I tell you. It was too late for my music career. It was too late to get married. (I was so weird.) It was too late for real happiness. I was doomed. The only thing I can one hundred percent confirm is that I was super maudlin.

I am now 41 and feel younger than I did then and not late for anything. I feel thrilled by the promise of my future. I don’t judge myself by my past — including my past success (of which I have a good amount). I am digging my heels into the soil of aspects of myself and my past that I haven’t given enough attention to and am using it to launch myself forward. It is not too late for my music. It is not too late to write a book. It is not too late for my happiness. It is not too late to learn the flying pigeon pose. I don’t judge myself by what I haven’t accomplished in those areas, I simply use them as signposts guiding me on my way.

Don’t wait for your past to call you on the nostalgia phone. Look back at them lovingly with a smile and tell them you’re driving toward a new future. Parts of your past will come with you but remember that they’re just the frame, not the lens.

Nostalgia rewards youth but innovation rewards experience. March onward knowing you can never be too late if you’re living in the moment and looking ahead. You have nothing to hold you back — but yourself. Chase your liberation.

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