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Forever

Just like this, let’s make it forever.

The first time I met you, you told me about your love affair with the stars. You traced the inky sky with your fingers excitedly, regaling me with stories about the ancient constellations.

I sat down beside you on the grass for hours and pretended to listen. Your voice sounded like a beautiful song — a soothing balm that set my tired heart at ease.

I could listen to you forever and never grow tired of it.

“What is your favorite constellation?” I asked, and you looked at me with a thoughtful expression, as if it was a question you had never pondered before.

After a brief moment of silence, you reached for my hand and laid it flat on your lap. With a gentle finger, you etched an invisible pattern on my outstretched palm.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

You grinned at me expectantly, but I could only return a confused smile.

“What does it mean?”

“It is a clock.”

I nodded slowly and waited for you to tell me more, but you never did. You slyly interlaced our fingers together, allowing the unspoken words to hang languidly in the air between us.

It was not until much later that I found out what the name of the constellation was.

Horologium.

It was such a mouthful, and I fumbled over the syllables while reciting it to the tattoo artist.

“Where do you want it?”

I extended my left palm towards him, watching him raise his eyebrows in mild surprise.

“Are you sure?” his tone was skeptical and uncertain, as if challenging me to change my mind.

“Let’s do it,” I nodded, answering with as much conviction as I could muster.

The process did not take too long. After all, it was just six dots connected by a tenuous line. It did, however, hurt way more than I could have possibly imagined, and for a moment, I wondered if I had made the right choice.

My doubts were dispelled as I stared at my palm, at those six stars that were infinitely so precious to you. It felt like I was holding a piece of your heart in my hand, and that was enough.

That was more than I could have hoped for.

That day, I walked out of the tattoo parlor into the pouring rain. It was funny, for even when I was drenched from head to toe, my soul remained painfully thirsty.

Empty.

I guess a part of me will forever yearn for you.

My recollection of our days together were always tinged with a warm glow of golden nostalgia. The fondest memory I had of us was of you silhouetted against the setting sun, playing your violin for me on the front porch of my house.

I immersed myself in the soulful music as I basked wistfully in the twilight. Evenings made me sad, for I was uncomfortable with the in-betweens — of ends blurring into beginnings, and beginnings merging into ends.

You were different, though. You were never fazed by the callous transience of life, and I admired you for that. I enjoyed the concept of a forever, because it gave our absurd universe a semblance of certainty, but you were convinced that forever was nothing but a comforting lie and a disturbing myth.

That did not stop me from asking you to be my forever that very evening.

I hugged you from the back, and you stopped playing in surprise. You remained peacefully silent, and I rested my chin against your shoulder. We stared out into the horizon together, watching the sun bleed lovely pinks and oranges against the sky.

“You already know my answer.”

“I do,” I sighed.

You turned around to face me, cupping my hands in yours. With an earnest look in your eyes, you pressed your lips against my cheek.

“I cannot promise you a forever. But in the here and now, I am yours,” you said gently with a tender smile.

And that had been more than enough for me.

My final memory of us was when we ticked off the last item on your bucket list.

You had fought so desperately for us to fly across the world to catch the northern lights, and I had fought so hard to convince you not to go. Everyone tried to stop you, but you had stubbornly refused to listen.

You always got what you wanted, and it was nothing but a futile battle, but I knew I had to at least try.

I knew with an absolute certainty that I would lose you for good if I agreed for us to go.

I was selfish, and I was beyond terrified, but how could I ever bear to deny you your final wish?

You had been so excited, even though the multiple flights took a massive toll on your body. We flew all the way out to the northern tip of Norway, to a remote city called Tromsø.

The wintry cold was harsh and unforgiving, and you were constantly shivering, no matter how many layers you were bundled up in. You tried so hard to keep a brave smile on your face — mostly for my sake, and my heart shattered a little bit more every time I watched you struggle.

You were fighting desperately to hold on, and I prayed fervently that we would be able to fulfill your wish.

We had to drive 3 hours to reach a remote clearing, where we waited for the northern lights to grace the inky sky. Sitting on a flat piece of rock in the middle of the clearing, I scooped you into my warm embrace and held you tightly.

I sang your favorite song to distract you from the biting cold, but your thin and frail frame wouldn’t stop trembling. Your breaths came in shallow, painful puffs, and that was equally distressing for me to witness.

I wonder if you knew that I was secretly sobbing while I held you tighter and tighter, as if that would leave an everlasting imprint of you on my body and soul.

Can’t you stay with me forever? I pleaded internally, but of course you couldn’t hear me. Even if you did, I knew exactly what you would say, and I could never bear to hear you say those words aloud.

It was a long and arduous wait, but I would never forget your squeal of excitement when the miraculous green lights began dancing across the horizon. The lights were absolutely beautiful, and even more breathtaking than we had both expected it to be.

For a fleeting moment, I felt immortal.

“Thank you,” you whispered, gazing at the sky with a satisfied smile.

I wrapped my arms around you as tight as I could and kissed the top of your head.

Don’t go somewhere I cannot follow.

“Don’t miss me,” you announced casually.

I was too choked up with heaving sobs to answer.

“When you miss me, I hope you know that I’m right where you need me,” you placed a palm against my chest, over my beating heart. “And you won’t feel quite as lonely anymore, because I will live on in your memories forever.”

A comforting lie.

“Forever,” I repeated numbly. “I don’t think I can believe in forever if you aren’t by my side anymore.”

You looked at me with a sad smile, and I could tell from the look in your eyes that you were begging for me to be brave.

For the both of us.

“I love you,” you brought my fingers to your lips and kissed them. “I’ll always love you.”

“I love you too,” I whispered, watching with a quiet desperation as your eyelids slowly fluttered shut.

I wish you could have seen what a mess I had been. I cried my heart and soul out, until there were no tears left to cry, and even then, nothing was able to soothe the devastating void within me.

I wasn’t brave — not even close. But I tried. I really did.

I hope that had been enough for you.

On our final night together, we lost all hope for a happily ever after.

And I shall miss you every second and every moment, for the rest of my existence.

Forever.

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